I've got cancer, what's next?

Again, to be clear, these posts are mostly regarding where I was at 15 years ago when I was first diagnosed with cancer. I've been cancer free since 1999. I wanted to share my journal, and my thoughts of my cancer odyssey to benefit others or for the interest of others, whatever. So, to continue.

At this point in my life the reality of being diagnosed with throat cancer is sinking in. A lot of stuff coming up, brewing consciously and subconsciously. Big changes for me all around, not only with the cancer, and with the treatments for cancer, but also major aspects of my day such as relationship, job, personal life that shows up in so many ways. 

I’m seeing several doctors. I have three main specialists on my team – my ENT (Ear-Nose-Throat) doctor, my oncologist (the one that deals with overall treatment, especially chemo) and my radiologist. They each have their own personal perspective. I’m having conversations about my cancer and about treatment. As of yet, I haven’t settled in on what treatment I’m going to do.

The three specialists are part of a team and they are evaluating what the best treatment is for my situation. The doctors speak of a “tumor board” that meets once a week to evaluate, perhaps debate and decide the best treatment. I’ve personally met with the doctors, have asked questions and have presented some of my views. I try to keep up on what is going on.

Here’s where it gets very interesting. Different doctors have seen different ways of treatment. One says we do surgery and radiation. Another chemo, surgery and radiation. A third possibility – radiation and chemo. Maybe another possibility of just chemo and surgery. All the Western medical approach. It’s interesting to me that there is no definitive course of treatment as of yet. Each doctor has his own particular perspective, and these perspectives differ. I think about this. What hits me is that these treatments for throat cancer all have major effects, it’s not just like taking a course of antibiotics or setting a broken leg, these treatments are very potent and have big time consequences.


Wednesday May 13, 1998
Not doing too well this morning. For sure I’m confronted with my human limitations. One major fears are that half my throat is going to be cut out or some other such severe physical trauma. Gotta give that up and I can. 
Another fear is that I’m losing touch with my “work”. I put a lot of time in over the years to get to the point where I’m at with my creative expressions. This cancer situation is just too much. I don’t feel as though I can balance it. But I’m dependent on income.

Just ordered some books from Amazon. Feel a little guilty for having spent the money. But they were books I’ve wanted. Don’t know where I’m gonna be anywhere. I got some books for inspiration and intelligence increase.

On my way to Pottstown to meet with two oncologists. I guess I get more information. I guess I get clearer on the steps for me to take. It’s hard for me to see options since my partner told me that she didn’t feel moved to stay with me the other day. I felt my support pulled away and felt confronted with a whole range of options. 
The important thing for me to remember in this is that the clarity comes in making the steps. I’ll know what to do when the time comes or I’ll have a clearer set of choices and options. This is the process of life, of being present in a body, of having the 3 dimensional circumstance to work with. 

The other thing for me is my fear of making the wrong choice and this wrong choice having major consequences. I sure don’t want to give myself up into the hands of medical incompetence. I can only do the best I can with choice. An important point to remember here is something that Ladybear said – the choices are presented as they come up. Really, there are no accidents in this. I don’t know whether this idea of “no accidents” is entirely true, but I think there are definite synchronicities and intelligences at play. These are kind of behind the scenes and not always apparent.
It’s up to me to make the choices as I can. It’s up to me to educate myself, to inform myself, to try to understand and then to let go to the process, accept the process and decide from a place of intuition.

Casteneda speaks of controlled folly. It’s all very dream-like, yet it’s not only just a dream, what I do has real consequences.
Last night the idea of just packing it in and going to New Jersey to work for my dad again presented itself. And this idea or image has presented itself to me over the years at various junctures. I don’t know if it is such a good idea, because there is another valid perspective that my partner shared with me. This is that we would just get sucked into the situation as it is. The co-dependence, the limitations that each of us have. I know this has been one of the fears in my life. It’s less of a fear because I’ve developed strength on my own. But with this situation I don’t really know, I don’t know what will be, I don’t know what will be best. From here, I can only take things one step at a time. A great challenge, a great adventure. 

Once again in my life, myth shows up to explain what is happening in the form of mythic image. In this particular sequence we have the old fairy tale image, the image of the witch coming up from behind while I throw the seeds over my shoulder containing great forests to impede her progress. In this particular image however, the witch is not necessarily a bad thing. The witch appears as a threat, however here what she represents is great change. The witch will catch me despite how I try to impede her progress. Here the thing is to know the witch intimately, not run away, I need to face the witch, actually embrace the witch. The witch has been a powerful archetype in my life. She’s the crone, the feminine wisdom.

I guess in a way this cancer is for me an advanced course in survival. I’ve been through quite a bit in my life – madness, near-death, divorce, lost jobs, bankruptcy, lyme disease. The cancer falls right into place, I new major crisis, a new dance of life and death. 
I might have a fairly advanced case of cancer. I sure don’t wish it to be any more than it needs to be. I have my limitations. I don’t know what my limitations are. It’s not just the cancer, but really the synthesis of several circumstances such as lack of fulfilling relationship, lack of solid financial self-support, and perhaps some other factors. There’s no doubt that I’m in challenging circumstances.