Friday May 15, 1998
Yesterday was rough in dealing with the idea of going on a leave of absence from my job. What am going to fucking do? I’m really kind of freaked. I gotta move out from here, but how am I going to make it? I have some money put away, $3000, even a little more. I was going to get a new car. I need a new car. But I’m not going to have the money coming in for the next few months like I’ve had.
It’s important to realize that even though there are major changes happening here with the cancer and life situations like needing to move and putting together my work, I am in new places with my ability to deal with these things. I have new abilities and am not so subject to old patterns and conditioning.
From a posting on the WELL:
Yes, folks all around have been "through it".
I've been complaining some, even a bit of feeling sorry for myself.
Yesterday I visited a usenet cancer group. What I saw made me
realize that there's plenty of folks that have it a whole lot harder
than me.
My health insurance kicked in just in time. Yesterday I read several
accounts of folks who were facing tens of thousands of dollars
or more worth of medical treatment with no insurance.
The opening post of a thread I read described a really tough
situation of a couple where a 42 year old mother of two young
children had a devastating form of cancer and no insurance.
My process is dealing with some difficult new circumstances while
being as aware as I can be. Part of my process is letting go of how I
thought things would be. There's a lot of changes happening in my life,
not just the cancer.
As I mentioned, I'll be leaving a relationship of ten years. This has
difficult aspects, but in an overall sense the changes are very positive
for each of us. Developmentally, my lady has her own life process
to deal with. In a sense, my work has overshadowed hers.
The good news is that she's getting in touch with her own power.
health 1035: The Cancer Club
#143 of 143: bobby (bobby) Fri 15 May '98 (12:02 PM)
I've been making some extra connections for medical information
yesterday and today.
Yesterday I called the National Cancer Center (or something like
that). They'll be sending me information on clinical trials that will
be happening in this area. Don't know if this would be useful but it's
a step.
I have an appointment next week with my primary care physician
who is somewhat holistically oriented. I know he's done acupuncture
and know he's into an "healthy immune system" frame of reference.
It'll be good to get his perspective.
Next week I also have an appointment with the brother of an old and
dear friend of mine who I think actually is the head now of a national
association of acupuncture and/or chinese medicine. I'm gonna get
some chinese herbs to work with my health.
Looks like I'm probably gonna go ahead with the Western medicine
"aggressive approach". My cancer is stage four. I can't fuck around.
Don't have financial resources to seriously check out anything else
anyway. The lymphatic tumor in my neck is pretty extensive and so is
the primary one in the throat.
Today I saw one of the partners of two who will be doing my surgery.
I consider him a medical technician. He seems to see only sees the
medical case. To me, this illness is connected emotionally and
spiritually in very interesting ways. I don't think he's interested in
hearing these connections. He seems to be a technician not a "holistic
healer". I've gotta be a healer for myself and I'm gonna see what
other kinds of healers I can connect with.
The medical partner I saw today was pretty graphic with his
descriptions of what's going on. It was interesting that he had a smile
on his face while describing some fairly lurid (at least for me)
possibilities to this whole thing. Actually his demeanor for me is OK.
I see him in the same way as I sometimes regard other situations or
beings, a kind of wrathful deity in the Tibetan Buddhist sense. He's
here to help in a deeper sense than is conveyed by external
appearance.
I go for the surgery. A radical neck dissection. I was dismayed to
learn that the nerve for my right shoulder will be impacted. I don't
like the implications of that for my posture and appearance. OK.
Then the radiation. Six weeks of radiation. If things go well, there's
the possibility, perhaps a fairly good possibility, I'm not sure, that
the radiation will cure the tumor on my tonsil that is running down my
throat. I'll lose my saliva but I can certainly live with that.
If the radiation is not sufficient to kill all cancer, I'm looking at
a second surgery to directly remove the tumor in the throat. This
surgery would be more intense and involved than the radical neck
dissection (pretty terminology, eh?). A chunk of my throat would be
removed. I would need skin grafts. Could affect different areas.
Serious stuff.
The doctor today spoke more seriously of my condition than the one's
I've spoken with so far. My 5-year prognosis is 25%. Only 1 in 4 who
have my condition make it after 5 years. Actually that doesn't disturb
me. I'm not afraid of death. I'm a near-death survivor. The possible
physical consequences are more fearsome in appearance to me from
here.
There are some really beautiful potentials though that may happen out
of all of this. I believe I'm gonna make it through.
One day at a time.
On my way to the doctor in Pottstown. It’s a beautiful day like it’s been for the past several days. Haven’t really been in a place to appreciate it though. Again I feel like I’ve fallen into a crevasse. I’m not going to wait around to be rescued. I’m gonna make the steps to get out on my own. There’s no one to rescue me. This aspect, of falling down on the path, is pretty difficult for me. For the past several months, I’d actually felt consistently like I was getting somewhere and know I’ve got to let go of that context.
I hear wonderful stories of transformation through illness. I’m just about done with the book The Healing Path by Barasch. There’s a few stories in there that are the kinds of things I would love. The transformational stories. I want to transform my abilities here. I’m still patchwork in places although I think I’m further along than I was in the past. At any rate, I still have difficulties with my work, with coming to terms with effort. I seem to make my projects more than they are. I take an emotional fix of difficulty and then kind of stop. This pattern has been happening for me the past couple of days. I’ve got to find the way through. This cancer is intense.
Just got done seeing Dr. F, Dr. B’s associate. I guess it will be Dr. F and Dr. B who do the surgery procedure. The surgery would be about 2 to 3 hours long and will be a radical neck dissection. There may be a further surgery which would be more involved with skin grafts. This would take out the primary throat cancer. The second procedure is a possibility if the radiation doesn’t work. This could be quite an ordeal, involving whole sections of mouth and throat. The cancer may be cured with radiation. According to Dr. F, I have 25% chance of 5-year survival.
Prognosis is not good. With the surgery there are side-effects. Looks like I would lose some control of my right shoulder and arm. That makes a big difference for me. I don’t want to lose my strength in my shoulder and arm. I always related to being strong, and now this is being threatened to be taken away. I might have some hoarseness depending on whether particular nerves are involved.
Dr. F said that many are in denial of their cancer situation. I can understand that. Things seem dreamlike to me but at least I feel I’m willing to look at and accept what is happening. I guess I’m going through with this procedure. If I wouldn’t, it seems I might have severe deterioration anyway. Dr. F wants to treat aggressively. I don’t think this is the only way, but I don’t think I have a choice available.
